End of 2009

This has been a tough week for some reason - at a personal level. It's been like this since last week. I thought things would be more fun after exams. But I'm going through some dilemma, inside emotions, stress at the moment. And I can't even pray(namaz) because I got my silly period. So I tried last week to pray minimum two times a day. I pulled it off except for Thursday I believe. I just feel so distant from all that is real right now. I feel angry at certain people. But isn't this how the world works? I know this phase will pass. But I'm waiting for it to go by faster.

If someone sees me, they are least likely to notice my form of sadness. My family hasn't. I'm just me, and happy when I'm around others. The other day, I felt like my soul/emotions were actually physical. I was going through so many of them. It's like they all acted as a physical cloud of air twirling around me. I don't want to seem like a negative person who is probably is living through dark days. But realistically, we all have them. I'm just at a point in my life where everything has to be put together. And I'm going to do it.

I wonder if praying namaz really symbolizes something. Growing up - even till the last couple of months - I've been told, and my mom has mentioned to me that I should start praying. And I know a lot of parents who mention this to their kids. Does praying namaz show you are good person? Because if you pray you are a good girl. But I always tried to tell my mom I don't pray for a reason - that I should do it for myself. She usually brushed it off and asked what I am I talking about? I believe namaz is only meant for a person, and it's their couple of minutes they get to communicate with Allah (swt). Namaz serves as a self discipline technique. To wake up early morning before sunrise, just to pray takes a lot of energy and strength. So praying namaz benefits someone at a personal level as well. So I won't pray to show that I am a "good girl" who comes form a good Muslim family. I will only do it for me, and to get myself on the right track with God.


So back to this week, I'm just keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself. I know I am this point for a reason. This was all meant to be. And it makes sense now. If someone else is to see and ponder, it doesn't bother me - everything was meant to be. And now that I accept and understand this, I need to move forward and change what is. If the last 4 years lead up to something - I need to plan the next 4 years so they lead to something else, with Allah( swt)'s guidance.